04.10.17

For the first time in 2 years I’ve finally found someone I connect with properly. Which is a really scary thing for me. I’m very good at screwing things up and I’m really trying not to and I’m also trying to freak out.
I can’t help thinking about “when you know, you know” because from the moment i properly started speaking to her I did know. Everything clicked. Everything fell into place. We’re very similar but we’re also quite different. We’re both very independent abound were both very ambitious but in different ways and for different things.

She visited me at the weekend and it felt so right, it didn’t feel unnatural,  it was like we’d known eachother for years. And yet. Everything is still new and I’m getting to know this absolutely wonderful person who I am just almost in awe of.

However we live 3 hours apart and that’s making it hard in the ‘getting to know eachother’ start of any relationship because I don’t see her enough.

All in all however, today is a positive day. I’m having a functional week of actually showing up to uni and getting all excited about this new relationship.

I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes. Will share my adventures as they happen

X

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10.09.17

It’s been 3 months since I’ve written on here but I need somewhere to get my thoughts out.

I think one of the hardest things about having mental health issues is romantic relationships and making them work.

I’ve been talking to this girl who lives in Portsmouth for about a month (I live in Cardiff) and she’s amazing. I want nothing more at the moment than to jump into a relationship with her.

However while I know I want her I have my mental health to fight off at the same time.

I’m constantly fighting a battle in my head doubting every feeling I have. On top of that I can’t understand why she’s still talking to me; I’m a fucking mess and she’s ridiculously far out of my league. This means I doubt everything she says. If she’s not being as chatty as usual I freak out and think thats it but it’s usually just me being stupid.

The hard thing is I know I’m being daft but I just can’t shake the feeling that she’s messing me around.

I guess I just want her to come out and tell me where she stands but I know that’s not going to happen.

I can’t help but feel like I have 2 choices: Wait it out and push myself through this until I know what it is OR just let it go to stop the frustrations in my head but possibly lose her.

x

28.03.17

I’m back again. It’s been a little while since I posted because I’m finding it super hard to get my feelings out.

I’ve been feeling super down this week but I can’t externalise why, it’s just a feeling I’ve got.

I don’t even know where to start, so bare with me and I’ll be back in a few days with hopefully something interesting.

x

 

16.03.17

Suicidal thoughts. These are two scary words when put together but the reality is it’s something a lot of people face everyday.

Today I’m sat writing this with these kind of thoughts wizzing through my head and I’m going to try and talk about how they come about and how I deal with them.

The issue is they don’t really ‘come about’ they stem of the insecurities and worries of my anxiety and my lack of general self esteem due to this. They can also stem off me having a bad time with my bipolar and thinking ‘life would be so much easier if i wasn’t here’. Tonight it was the latter.

So I work in a night club as a DJ and also doing bar work, it’s something I really enjoy but can often be the worst time for me to have a bad night. Working behind the bar is hard because you have nowhere to hide and nowhere to take a breather. DJing is often harder as the spotlight is on me and the pressure of not messing up is enough to get the heart pumping, even on a good night.

A few months ago if tonight had happened I would have had a massive panic attack and had to sit out most of my shift to sort my head out. However tonight I didn’t and because of that, despite having a bad night, I’m really proud of myself.

This is patly due to opening up to my bar supervisor. Talking to your boss/teacher or whatever can often really help as they may be able to understand better if you’re having a bad day. For example tonight I said to my supervisor I wasn’t feeling great so she sent me glass collecting. This is something that really helps because it allows me to deploy a tactic I use to calm my self down – music.

I’m a massive music-phile. I eat, sleep and breathe music some days, my CD collection is twice that of most people who are twice my age, I love it. However it’s also become a really good tool for me to use to cope with my mental illness. I have certain albums which I will go home listen to and zone out to that help the most, but anything I know can help take my head somewhere away from the mess inside it,

This is the reason this blog is called pokeatmyiris. My particular favourite and most helpful album to listen when I feel awful is The Midnight Organ Fight by Frightened Rabbit. It’s a song about love, loss and also coping with issues and it really connects with me on a personal level.

My advice to anyone is find an euivalent maybe a song or a tv programme or whatever you can reliably go back to and escape with.

#Now I’m very tired as it’s 5:30 am and I need to sleep!

Talk soon!

x

 

15.03.17

There hasn’t been much going on in my head today but I figured I should write something to start getting into the habit so I’m going to talk about my past with mental health.

I wouldn’t say I could pin an age on when it started affecting me but it was certainly my early teens. With bi-polar it’s something you can easily misplace as just teenage mood swings, I know it’s something I and my parents did and we all thought it would pass. But here I am in my 20’s and it’s still a part of my life.

My state of my mind is something I describe to people on a graph with bipolar. It’s also important that it’s state of mind because that’s not the same as mood or emotion because that’s not really what bipolar effects for me. The way I describe it is when the graph is ‘negative’ I feel like I have no energy and will often go quiet and into myself which are signs synonymous with depression. However the hardest part to describe to people is the ‘positive’ side of the graph and why it’s of tne worse than the negative side, especially with anxiety.

The only way I’ve been able to describe it to people is it’s like being drunk but also having drunk 3 litres of energy drink. So you talk and you talk, you can’t stop moving ¬†and you come across really happy and excitable but all the time you’re not in control of your body. You say stuff you shouldn’t or you don’t mean, you do things and hurt yourself or others by accident and sometimes, when it’s really bad, I almost lose all spacial awareness.

See what I’m describing is my brain at it’s worst with the bipolar, however the aftermath of saying/doing stuff I shouldn’t is a lot worse because that’s when my anxiety kicks in. I begin to stress about all these things I’ve done, when in reality a) they weren’t that bad and b) my friends all understand what’s going on so it’s okay.

As I’ve gotten older these ‘positive’ sections have manifested in different ways. When I was younger it was hyper-ness and it tended to cause arguments with my family however now I’m at uni it just causes compulsions to do things which I can’t stop doing. It’s almost like an out of body experience sometimes.

This where the real problem used to be, is that the only way to end the experience was to cause myself pain. Whether that was digging a key into my thigh, punching a wall or self harming, it would just snap me out of it. Fortunately I’ve passed that phase and have come up with more inventive ways of getting out of it such as writing, drawing or listening to my favourite album. However for a time this was the only way I could cope and that really was hard for me and my only advice to anyone would be never do it and if you do find something physical to keep your hands busy and do that instead.

That’s enough for today I think. Next time I have nothing in my day to write about I’ll try and talk about the effect it has on personal relationships and how I deal with that just so I don’t bore you to death with my past.

x

14.03.17

Hi. You don’t know me but hopefully by reading this blog you’ll get to know me better and hopefully I’ll get to know myself better.

I’m a diagnosed sufferer of bi-polar disorder and anxiety and after trying drugs to help cope with it I’ve found life better without. However despite this I need an outlet for some of what I feel and this blog is going to be just one of these.

There’s a few things I want you to take away from this blog. Firstly if you’re not a mental illness sufferer I want you to read this and maybe understand a bit more what people go through. Secondly if you are a mental illness sufferer, hopefully it can help you in some way, but most importantly I hope it helps you realise you’re not alone.

Most importantly however I want you to read this blog as an overall positive thing. For me I have bad days and I have good days and more often than not I will write on the bad days because that’s when it is easier for me to write but this does not make this blog a negative place. Just by putting my feelings down, and even writing this now, it really helps me calm myself down and gives me a platform to express how I feel a bit more on a personal level.

Expressing myself at a personal level has always been difficult for me and while I do go to counselling and support groups this is going to be another outlet for those feelings.

I hope you enjoy reading what I write.

x