Suicidal thoughts. These are two scary words when put together but the reality is it’s something a lot of people face everyday.
Today I’m sat writing this with these kind of thoughts wizzing through my head and I’m going to try and talk about how they come about and how I deal with them.
The issue is they don’t really ‘come about’ they stem of the insecurities and worries of my anxiety and my lack of general self esteem due to this. They can also stem off me having a bad time with my bipolar and thinking ‘life would be so much easier if i wasn’t here’. Tonight it was the latter.
So I work in a night club as a DJ and also doing bar work, it’s something I really enjoy but can often be the worst time for me to have a bad night. Working behind the bar is hard because you have nowhere to hide and nowhere to take a breather. DJing is often harder as the spotlight is on me and the pressure of not messing up is enough to get the heart pumping, even on a good night.
A few months ago if tonight had happened I would have had a massive panic attack and had to sit out most of my shift to sort my head out. However tonight I didn’t and because of that, despite having a bad night, I’m really proud of myself.
This is patly due to opening up to my bar supervisor. Talking to your boss/teacher or whatever can often really help as they may be able to understand better if you’re having a bad day. For example tonight I said to my supervisor I wasn’t feeling great so she sent me glass collecting. This is something that really helps because it allows me to deploy a tactic I use to calm my self down – music.
I’m a massive music-phile. I eat, sleep and breathe music some days, my CD collection is twice that of most people who are twice my age, I love it. However it’s also become a really good tool for me to use to cope with my mental illness. I have certain albums which I will go home listen to and zone out to that help the most, but anything I know can help take my head somewhere away from the mess inside it,
This is the reason this blog is called pokeatmyiris. My particular favourite and most helpful album to listen when I feel awful is The Midnight Organ Fight by Frightened Rabbit. It’s a song about love, loss and also coping with issues and it really connects with me on a personal level.
My advice to anyone is find an euivalent maybe a song or a tv programme or whatever you can reliably go back to and escape with.
#Now I’m very tired as it’s 5:30 am and I need to sleep!