There hasn’t been much going on in my head today but I figured I should write something to start getting into the habit so I’m going to talk about my past with mental health.
I wouldn’t say I could pin an age on when it started affecting me but it was certainly my early teens. With bi-polar it’s something you can easily misplace as just teenage mood swings, I know it’s something I and my parents did and we all thought it would pass. But here I am in my 20’s and it’s still a part of my life.
My state of my mind is something I describe to people on a graph with bipolar. It’s also important that it’s state of mind because that’s not the same as mood or emotion because that’s not really what bipolar effects for me. The way I describe it is when the graph is ‘negative’ I feel like I have no energy and will often go quiet and into myself which are signs synonymous with depression. However the hardest part to describe to people is the ‘positive’ side of the graph and why it’s of tne worse than the negative side, especially with anxiety.
The only way I’ve been able to describe it to people is it’s like being drunk but also having drunk 3 litres of energy drink. So you talk and you talk, you can’t stop moving and you come across really happy and excitable but all the time you’re not in control of your body. You say stuff you shouldn’t or you don’t mean, you do things and hurt yourself or others by accident and sometimes, when it’s really bad, I almost lose all spacial awareness.
See what I’m describing is my brain at it’s worst with the bipolar, however the aftermath of saying/doing stuff I shouldn’t is a lot worse because that’s when my anxiety kicks in. I begin to stress about all these things I’ve done, when in reality a) they weren’t that bad and b) my friends all understand what’s going on so it’s okay.
As I’ve gotten older these ‘positive’ sections have manifested in different ways. When I was younger it was hyper-ness and it tended to cause arguments with my family however now I’m at uni it just causes compulsions to do things which I can’t stop doing. It’s almost like an out of body experience sometimes.
This where the real problem used to be, is that the only way to end the experience was to cause myself pain. Whether that was digging a key into my thigh, punching a wall or self harming, it would just snap me out of it. Fortunately I’ve passed that phase and have come up with more inventive ways of getting out of it such as writing, drawing or listening to my favourite album. However for a time this was the only way I could cope and that really was hard for me and my only advice to anyone would be never do it and if you do find something physical to keep your hands busy and do that instead.
That’s enough for today I think. Next time I have nothing in my day to write about I’ll try and talk about the effect it has on personal relationships and how I deal with that just so I don’t bore you to death with my past.